My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
