I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize