Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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