Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
