There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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