I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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