You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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