I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
