On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
