I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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