Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
