i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
