your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
