i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize