Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
