Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
