Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
dude. I can hear the air.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
