I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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