if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
