sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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