I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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