You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
