I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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