Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
