i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
