If you die in college, do you die in real life?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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