She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
