I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
