Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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