Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
