She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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