You can't motorboat a personality
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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