So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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