Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
