I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
