ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
