dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
