It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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