Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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