New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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