my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
