i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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