My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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