How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
