My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
