Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
