if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
