Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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