For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
