I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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