we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize