I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Randomize