His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
