I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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