how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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