In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
