My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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